Sometimes, you just have to fight.
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A couple days ago, I noticed that someone had left not one, but two nasty comments on this blog. I didn’t allow the comments because I didn’t think my readers would be well-served by them — they were nothing but negativity, with no constructive criticism.
I got to wondering, “Why would someone take the time to leave those comments?” She had quite a chip on her shoulder. She obviously didn’t want clarification, or even help. Instead, the whole thing just had an air of defensiveness about it, as though my blog had touched upon a something that she did not want to accept. Plus, it was clear that she didn’t read most of my actual text, but saw only what she wanted to.
The gist of it is: She thought my message of success was unhelpful. More to the point, though, she thought my position was, “All you need is to have a successful attitude, and success will be yours.”
What is a successful attitude, anyway?
That isn’t what I say. My stance is more like, ‘You need to have a successful attitude, or else success won’t be yours.” In fact, you can invest every drop of time, effort, and energy you have into what you’re doing (successful actions), but if you don’t have The Drive (successful attitude), you’ll probably not get far. At least, this has been true for me.
It’s like going to church with an empty spirit, or showing up to work but not doing anything productive. Sure, you go through the motions, but if you’re not really there, it’s just busy-work.
Positivity Is Misunderstood
Having a positive attitude isn’t about feeling happy and cheerful all the time — not even close. It’s about stopping bad habits of thought: blaming, feeling sorry for yourself, criticizing, and it’s also about staying present — continuing to really care about what you’re doing.
The positive attitude is not comfortable or comforting, because it’s the cold, hard knowledge that only you can do what you have to do. There is no one there who will take the responsibility off your hands. And it’s a constant battle to avoid indulging in negativity, but you can’t give in. If you do, all your attention will be spent thinking, “Poor me,” not on what you gotta do.
Don’t use your problems as fuel for bad emotions.
As any soldier or top athlete will tell you, success is a mental game. It can mean death to indulge in negative emotions. You should admit the facts, absolutely — if you’re broke, in hard times, in bad health, or otherwise at a disadvantage. But don’t think, “Oh, I can’t possibly succeed because my kids… my job… my health… my debt.” If athletes thought that every time they got hurt, no one would ever come back from injury. But they do it all the time, and sometimes it seems miraculous because they overcame so much!
Like an athlete, say to yourself, “What’s the plan for recovery and getting back on the field? What am I going to do about the fact that I’ve got this problem?” Start solving the problem, not using the problem as bad-emotion fuel.
If you are thinking about how bad your life is, you are not thinking about how to make it better.
Just keep on; there is no other choice.
If you think that I’m happy and positive all the time, think again. My writing rings true for so many people because it’s also a constant battle for me! Yes, some things come easily to me, like expressing myself in writing. But some things are very, very difficult, like weight loss, and having to attend to a high-need toddler 22 out of 24 hours (that’s not an exaggeration) when I am an extreme introvert. But, as my friend put it, “You just do what you have to do, because you have to do it.”
If you’re truly success-minded, there is no choice. You care far too much about what you’re doing to leave it alone, no matter how broke, friendless, stressed, or ill you are. (Which is why I’m writing this at 4AM while my son tosses and turns due to more inexplicable problems with his sleep and digestion.)
The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept the fact that you’re not going to give up, so it’s no use playing out scenarios where people come to your rescue, pity you because you have it so hard, or help you justify why it was the best thing to drop out. Face it — you’re in, and you’re in for good. Best to apply your energy to your strategy and tactics, not imagining yourself as a tragic figure. Maybe your tragedy is justified, but is that the role you really want to have in life?
Just fight on, and remember, that even though it looks like people have it easy, everyone’s got their problems. Everyone’s involved in their own silent battle. Even the rich and “successful.”
About The Author
Katherine Durkes
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10 Responses and Counting...
HI Katherine,
Thanks for the encouraging blog post. I, too have had some family issues, and I can not seem to get into soaping mode. In my head, I know what I need to do, but things seem to get in the way.
..or I am letting them get in the way.
Thank you for your encouraging post. It has helped me.
Good luck with your famly stuff (yes, we all have it).
Smooches & Hugs,
Judy
MANY THANKS, Katherine! Reminded me of a ditty I’ve had on my frige for eons to keep me focused. “The Victor” by C.W. Longenecker:
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose; you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a person’s will.
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But soon or later, the one who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
Now, it’s back to “battling” with my website……ugh!
It is shameful how just one person will spend their time breaking others down,for no other reason than to persuade their own negativity.
Now that I’ve had a few days to reflect, I see it as a wild animal kind of response. Something in my writing touched a vulnerability in her, and she lashed out the only way she knew how. I don’t blame her for it; I used to be an angry teenager, too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she were simply young and feeling as though there was no hope for her in her own ventures.
But no matter what others say, “only you can prevent forest fires.” Nothing takes away our own responsibility in anything we want to do. It’s all up to us, and convincing ourselves that we’re “right” in that there’s nothing we can do… that’s cold comfort that leads to a life filled with regrets.
Right on . . . write on! Thanks Katherine for a thoughtful analysis of success and striving to be our best thru ‘thick & thin’. I never looked at success in this manner. It is a word that many of us struggle with until we actually feel it/know it. Bunches of love to you and your little one!
Connie R.
Wow, thank you for that. I have been struggling with congestive heart failure and other health problems along with a lousy job, filled with hateful people who make fun of me because I work slower than they do. (I’m not THAT slow but they think I am) I am an intelligent woman with an above average IQ but because of the heart problem the facts are that I am on lots of heavy medication twice a day and I just don’t get enough oxygen to my brain anymore, so I’m just not as sharp as I was before.
and I am happy.
maybe a wonderful kid friendly neighborhood party might be nice for his initiation into Halloween.
I am starting my own business to make sure I am doing something that I love, and to be of service to people.
I am virtually alone in a city that I really don’t belong in. You nailed it for me with your statement “You care far too much about what you’re doing to leave it alone, no matter how broke, friendless, stressed, or ill you are.” People really do have to come to a place where the mind set is focused on where they want to be more than where you are now.
I am at that point and yes, I HAVE to make a point of taking time EVERY DAY, even if it is just 10 minutes, to come to a place of quiet and shift into my time of imagining and focusing on what it is that I want. I find that for me, just like you said, attitude, really does makes a difference. And people think it’s the big changes that make a life, yes big is good, but life is also the sum of day to day little things that we take for granted.
So for you miss girl, : ) , I think you are wonderful. I believe, for me, not all the time, but every once in a blue moon, having a good cry and getting it all out is a good thing to do. I just did it last night and my ‘heart’ came up fighting, and it told me that I am this really wonderful person, and I do deserve to have my life the way I want, I am still alive, I am getting stronger every day and I have my dreams and my dreams and ideas are real and tangible and viable, and I possess them now. So, even though it is not completely finished because of time and health problems, I have my website up and running. Hey it’s a start
And two year olds wearing costumes… ummm….
thank you for being you, and thank you for writing this NOW, cause I really needed to hear this.
Ren.
Thank you Katherine for a really good post. I read a lot but dont write a lot(i seem to have lost the skill), I’m in a similar position to Karen above (hi karen) but after months of various illnesses that seem to hound people with chf and hitting possibly one of the lowest points in years mentally and physically it was nice to follow the email link and read your post.
I miss my soaping at the moment due to opening a tiny chocolate and cake shop (about the size of a chocolate box) and having a part time chef job (recessions are tough).
I’ve not been able to work or run my shop with being ill and yes I had given into that negative roundabout of thoughts inside my head whilst at the same time trying to keep a normal exterior.
Before I read your post I had already called work after avoiding speaking to them for weeks, embarassment fear and a lot of things stopped me and I guess I just sat waiting for them to fire me and i felt like i deserved it. The outcome was good I will go into work for a few hours later this week, and for the next few hours i will join all my websites up into one (i hope) then a few hours in my shop..
Like karen says its a start… Thank you from me also for being you..
As to the halloween costume try the opposite to getting him to wear it by saying it’s mummy’s costume for you to wear and he can have one when he is bigger.. works a treat on my neices..
Have a happy halloween x Shana
Thanks for all the great comments! It makes me glad that I obeyed my impulse to stay up and write, rather than go back to sleep. I had no idea that so many would respond — and I have more comments through email!
As for the costume, I’m not that worried. If he puts on the hat, great, but if he doesn’t, he’s so cute he’ll get candy anyway
que tal, acabo de leer esta publicacion y me parece lindo que todavia existan personas que les guste aportar al mundo su ayuda con un aliento para seguir luchando en esta vida para convertirnos en lo que queremos ser. Un gran sabio dijo “UNO ES LO QUE PIENSA” Y ASI ES el hombre se conoce por sus pensamientos . Lo mejor en la vida es reflexionar y darnos cuenta que todo en la vida nos pasa por algo.
Asi que seamos activos y pongamos en practica todas las ideas que se nos ocurran porque todo comienza por una idea, y en los negocios tambien no existe diferencia
muchas gracias y felicitaciones y fuerza para seguir adelante
Roughly translated: “such, I just read this publication and it seems nice that there are still people who like to bring to the world his help with an encouragement to continue fighting in this life to become what we want to be. A great sage said, ‘You are what you THINK’ and so is the man known by his thoughts. The best thing in life is to reflect and realize that everything in life happens to us for something.
So be active and put into practice all the ideas that occur to us because everything starts with an idea, and business also no difference
Congratulations and thank you very much and strength to keep going”
Thanks, and yes, even the Bible says, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”